I feel stuck. I keep so many things inside that I honestly to God feel like I am overflowing with emotions right now. It’s like I have filled every inch of me with secrets and feelings that they are starting to leak through. It’s a big, unexpected wave. It’s like catching your breath. It’s that point where you trip and you find yourself free-falling to the ground and you know it’s going to hurt. It’s just so… all at once. I feel like there’s no time to think or time to hold it all in for a coupe of more minutes. They go through me so quickly, I can’t even think straight. There’s just too much but apart of me is trying so hard not to feel anything at all; wanting so badly to fight back. It’s tiring and draining. I want to feel something other than this, anything at all. The only thing I can think of that isn’t self-destructive is to write and listen to music. It’s distracting and helps to an extent. But it’s not satisfying enough. What happens once I stop writing? What happens once the music stops playing? It’s been such a schlep trying to face it.
(inhale)(exhale) . To abang , thanks for attempting to cheer me up just now although it wasn't that successful , thank you . The O LEVEL SPA practicals have come to an end and so is the bridging programme (inclusive of tomorrow so its the end ah) . Regardless of that, from source A I can infer that my holidays are still fully booked by the school , teachers , dance , cousins , weddings , birthdays , mugging sessions , my part time job(like finally) , chalets , etc and Im not sure if Im able to go out with the dearest sec 4s for the outing . Nevertheless , the outing shall go on with or without my presence alright ? No matter what . There'll be an A Maths test tomorrow , and im squeezing my brain juices out for that tonight. Right now, Im just so lethargic. I think I wanna sleep and then mug till the early morn. And, not to forget , I just wanna say that Im sorry to a couple of people for snapping or even being sarcastic at ya'll in msn earlier on. I really didnt mean it . Just that , truthfully , this week isn't my week at all .
I know I promised that I won't be updating this space for awhile but sorry baby, I just can't resist it. Scratch that previous post away shall we ?(: So, when I think about how Friday's the last day of bridging, somehow, jubilance is not the only emotion that engulf me. Because the thought branches out and as each of them stems further, more feelings sink in. I think we do agree that the journey hasn't been smooth throughout. Conflicts and misunderstandings are inevitable, but at the end of the day, we still gather and crap about the most ludicrous stuff and laugh foolishly at our own nonsensical selves. Bottom line, I'll miss this year alot.
Well, it's been a pretty busy week I must say, in terms of school work. New stuff coming in everyday. I don't think I'm deprived of sleep actually. But I sure am tired. And I guess, I just need a little bit more of sleep and some time for myself to just escape from what's been happening all around. Just last night, I slept right after I did my homework. And it was not even ten when I closed my eyelids. Slammed really hard by fatigue. I can't wait for the weekends, for I've just the perfect - maybe not - book to help me propel myself forward to a realm not of my own.
I can't believe what's been going on lately. I find it very rediculous and so imbecilic that such things ever were to occur . How immature, how shallow can it be ? It's getting on my nerves seriously for such people to portray duplicitousness . It really pisses me off . If it is what these people want , then , I shall fulfill it. I don't wanna be involve with their lives, whoever, no matter how they relate to them . I just don't want to . Im coming clean . It pisses me when we're being framed for something that we did not do. Im sorry for making such decisions but it's for the best for now. It sounded so easy huh? But it's very hard for me too . We won't be talking to them no more. You guys don't have to worry a thing just give our lives back .
"If I had to retreat ," "I know you'll fall back with me(:"
I've been turning in early for the past few nights. Not really sleep-deprived, it's just out of fatigue I guess. Just yesterday, I knocked out at 9 plus which is, considering the fact that my usual sleeping time is later than 11pm, very very early. Luckily for me, the alarm went off at 5am this morning, lest I'd go to school with incomplete homework, which would land me in deep sh-, I mean, trouble. School was swell . Nothing much to elaborate about. The transition of days this week seems to be faster. I guess the amount of schoolwork mainly contributes to it. *sigh* Never thought I'd be this enervated.Breaking away from this cocoon is so freaking hard and truthfully, I'm so drained. And exhausted.Maybe there's a blessing in disguise. Coming across new people that I can actually interact and get along with so well is perhaps one of the hidden blessings. (:
Im staying back late tomorrow (I think?) since I've got a counselling session with Mrs Sally Chua at 3.30pm, I guess I'll be able to stay for awhile for the dearest sec 4s tomorrow to drill some of em' for their Malay Papers this Friday . Life's changing drastically now and I hope it'll remain this way. I'm contented with where I am for now. Learn from yesterday, live for today and hope for the tomorrow . Ouh, and lastly, I realised that although those dreams we had are sometimes unspoken? It paints your sorrows with words and images that speak a thousand words , expressing each emotion with every thought circulating in your head . And I understand why now . I guess I do need to unkink myself don't I ?
I look forward to go to school tomorrow and Shreeya sure knows what I mean. A new source of motivation, yay me. *guffaws*And now I shall put that grin away. The first homework I did today was the Geography papers. Did'nt pay much attention in with the situation that Im currently in these days, so that spells Im able to pay double attention in class tomorrow. Anyway, somehow, I feel super energised right now, for I've just woken up from a very beautiful nap though it lasted for only 20 minutes .
(inhale)(exhale) Being intimidated by the expectations set by the people around me is of course inevitable. But as much as possible, I try not to allow them to pollute my mindset. I just wanna do really well for now, and till the last day of O's (which is 365 days plus plus plus plus more to go), I hope these six words will stick, and propel me forward if need be. Isn't it really fast that 2009 is coming to an end really really soon?Haha. Im suddenly being a little reluctant to say goodbye to this year. Well, although it's sorta full of ups and downs and probably the suckiest year I ever had in the history of my suckiest year ever ,I'll still miss this year alot . (:
The 11th and the 13th are the last dates of the SPA practicals that I have to endure with , though Im never looking forward for any of em' , I hope it'll turn out fine . *fingers crossed*. I've been planning to go jogging once Im done with the bridging programme and maybe activate the Beatzy Freeze back (IDK about this one) . I've got a one day free admission pass to StudioWu for a hiphop class session but its soooo far away . -___-" Stamford Road ? Pfffft . I've made a point to spend my Saturdays at the library with some peeps or even by myself to switch into mugging mode for the Os from morning to evening . So , don't be surprised if you see me there :D
And by the way , I know I always say that life's been a little lacklustre but, somehow , (I think ?) I wanna take back what I said because it's just a start (: If ya'll get what I mean . Alright , I'm off to complete the rest of my assignments and Im done for the day !
The phone's down, so I reached for colour markers and crapped the drawing board to compose myself from all the shitty feelings when I got home. Not only does this affect my appetite, it totally got my emotions spinning in a speed too high that one second I can laugh out loud over the smallest thing and the next I'll be drowned in tears. That sounds really crazy. Going through it is doubly insane , t-rust me . Anyway, today was no ordinary day . I spent the whole day in the library mugging to no end with Syamimi and Shreeya , try'na accomplish all my homeworks etc but apparently, mission double -O seven failed :( I still got Bio and Geog to go . Grrr -___- ". Bumped into familiar ADSS-ians today and I nearly hit myself with the glass door at CWP just because I thought I saw somebody , haha , gawd heavens it was so embarassing. Mugging mode was hilarious because we're practically laughing all the time and Shreeya (IDK why?) banged her head near the glass pannel at the library , stressing over Bio, and it apparently scared the uncle standing behind away. Haha ! Anyway , after much mugging we started searching up on recipes and we’re planning on baking after Im done with the bridging programme. YEY ! After so, we headed out to have dinner which probably took us an hour and a half to decide. There were no seats anywhere! And so we started walking around banquet over and over again. People practically memorized our faces. Damn. Then me (durh ?) came up with a ‘great’ plan, haha. We bought Long John’s and headed to the fourth storey of the Civic Centre where it was so secluded thanks to me. Reached home at 9.45pm and im so lethargic right now. Pus by the way, Shreeya , that person isnt Sway ouhkay , just that you didnt listen to meyy loh ! :P
No doubt was yesterday crappy, if there's such a word. Rabiah said I looked 'uber zombie-ish' in school, which wasn't really surprising yet pretty disturbing to know. But as long as I'm not mentally-dead, it's alright. I'm still working my butt out on those SPA , so it's still not that bad, although there were times when I just feel like raising a white flag to admit defeat during those mugging sessions. *sigh* On a lighter note, lots of sinful indulgence purchased and consumed today (my coffee ^^!). Awesomeness. SPA ends this coming Friday and it's the end already ! And what do you know ? The 13th of November is so nearing (: Mayn, I'm looking forward to the day I can free myself from this nerdified cocoon.
DNA workshop last Wednesday was prettay much interesting yet so boring ! Urgh , endurance for like 3 hours ? Gawd -________-" . Anyway my love-able humans . (outdated pictures , soon to be updated )
